Below, you will find a full text transcript of all the spoken dialog in my latest episode of Blind Man Gaming.
Me (deeper voice): Coming to you live from an oil rig somewhere in international waters, it’s that one blind guy who plays Mortal Kombat almost as good as those other blind guys: Michael Espinoza!
Me (normal voice): Hey everybody, it’s Michael, with Blind Man Gaming once again. So as many of you may have heard, there is now a balance patch out for MKXL. Um, and I want to have a look at how that balance patch impacts my gameplay. Now, there were some rumors that Mileena would no longer be able to combo off Ball Roll. Uh, turns out that totally wasn’t true, so… that’s not an issue we’re even going to worry about. But uh yeah, I still want to see how things, you know, shake out. So let’s try, uh, Mileena versus Takeda. I have a hard time fighting him, so this should be… amusing I guess. But yeah, let’s see how the balance patch will affect my game play.
Takeda: I can read your thoughts.
Mileena: I am not of Earthrealm, you cannot.
Takeda (smug): I knew you were going to say that.
Me: Let’s do this! [later, after multiple stab attack] I tried to do a combo off Ball Roll and it didn’t work, but I think that was honestly just a coincidence. [after successful combo] Okay, yeah! Yeah, you can still combo off Ball Roll. [round one ends] Okay, still comboing off Ball Roll; that’s refreshing. [takes a few hits from Takeda] Oh crap.
Mileena (flirtatious, before pouncing on Takeda): I saw you staring…
Me: I don’t know Mileena, I don’t think you saw him staring. I don’t think he’s that into you. [after the final blow] Well, that was easy. [performs Fatality] Okay, you know what actually, the part that disturbed me about that was not uh, was not what she did. It was the fucking noise he made before she did it. Like, I don’t know if that, y’all caught that, but he makes this weird fucking noise like right before he dies. She is about to kill him and he just makes this weird “huuunh” noise, and it’s like, I don’t know if that was supposed to be sexual. I don’t know, I don’t know. Anyway, I’m going to try actually a variant Mileena and see how that pans out. I’ve never really done much with variants. And yeah, let’s do a um… I meant to go left and click random, but I didn’t. So let’s do a Mileena versus Mileena fight. To be honest, those are really rough for me, um, because I can’t hear which one is me and which one is the opponent in these uh, mirror matches. But let’s see how this pans out.
Other Mileena: I am Mileena.
Mileena: Not while I live.
Me (after leaping attack): Oh that, that was cool! Oh crap, I don’t have Low Sai anymore. That’s like my one thing. It’s like the one thing that keeps me alive. No! Oh I suck so hard at this! Oh God, stop Tele-Kicking me! [gets in a hit] Yeah! [gets hit] Jesus. [does extended leaping neck-bite] Oh shit, you can extend that. Okay. Cool cool. Okay I can live with that, that’s at least something. [gets hit, near the round’s end] No, bad Mileena. [amused] That’d be an interesting idea for a sitcom; like, multiple Mileenas. You know, and like, Shao Kahn tries to raise a whole bunch of Mileenas. Clones. And it’s like uh “Two and a Half Men,” but it’s like “Two and a Half… Screwed Up Clones of Kitana.”
Mileena (as she beats on her other self): Sorry, darling.
Me (still rambling): I’d watch that. That seems like it would be a good show. [Mileena and Mileena try to zone each other] Oh! A conflict of zoning!
Mileena (ecstatic; before leaping neck-bite): So much blood!
Me: Oh, I like that move. That’s a good one. [uses X-Ray attack] There we go. [back to rambling] But yeah, a multiple Mileena sitcom, where Shao Kahn has to put up with all their antics. [prepares Fatality] Wouldn’t that be awesome? I’d watch the shit out of that. [does Fatality]
Me (in deep voice): Now Mileena, don’t devour your sister’s entr- (normal voice) Never mind, you know what, never mind. That, that ship sailed. Fuck. Bad parenting! Bad parenting. [pause] Well, that was fun. Okay, so the balance patch has not completely screwed me up, though I still suck kind of at fighting, you know, myself. Um, now just for irony’s sake, let’s have some fun, let’s try a new character. I think I’m going to try uh… [clicks Kenshi] Yeah, Kenshi. Because, you know, blind swordsman. And I am also blind, that’s a thing. Uh, who should I have him fight? Oh let’s do… [clicks Cassie] Yeah, that’ll work. The blind playing the blind, let’s see how that works out for everybody. Mostly me, though. I barely know any of Kenshi’s moves, I feel like this is going to be kind of embarrassing. But just in case it’s not!
Cassie: Ready, Kenshi sir.
Kenshi: We’ll find out, won’t we.
Me: Ooh, confident. [gets hit] Don’t… Rude. Don’t you know not to hit a blind man while he’s trying to cut you in half? [manages a combo] Oh, that’s kind of cool. [gets hit repeatedly] Bad Cassie. [totally whiffs an attempted attack] Oh fuck. [gets it right] That’s what it is. [gets hit repeatedly] You stop that right now! [after round one] Okay, so I’m pretty clumsy with Kenshi, but not too bad. It’s passable. [immediately gets attacked] Ow! [does combo] Alright! [takes damage] Ouch! [almost manages combo] Yeah! Damn it! Don’t do that. I think there’s a move that reflects projectiles. I want to be able to do that. [loses round 2] Damn it!!! Ah man, I’m screwing around too much. I’m just not even. I’m trying to get that one move, and I keep screwing around instead of actually hurting her. That is my bad. [knocks Cassie away] Alright, there we go. Yeah! [gets hit hard] Ouch. Stop hurting the poor innocent blind man. Damn it. Wow, this is a slow fight. [is killed by Brutality; is angry] GOD DAMN IT! Okay, so I suck as Kenshi. Okay, note to self: I suck as Kenshi. You know what, no, I’m going to try that again. I will not accept this failure. You guys get to witness a rematch, because now you got to see me lose horribly, and that was embarrassing.
Kenshi: A word of advice?
Cassie: Okay, but you never listen.
Kenshi: I meant… never mind.
Me (attacking in earnest: Oh it’s on now, Cassie. There we go.
Cassie (coyly after striking a painful blow): You got a thing for punishment?
Me: Well yes Cassie, but that has nothing to do with what’s going on here. [uses X-ray attack] There we go! Yeah! That’s what happens when you mess with blind people. Any and all blind people have the ability to do that, just so you know. All blind people can do that, ask Helen Keller.
Kenshi (victorious after round 1): Two minds, one blade.
Me: Yeah, that was a real miracle worker. [knocks Cassie away] There we go. [does it again, after a decent amount of damage has been dealt] There we go! [gets knocked down] No!
Kenshi: Fear my blade.
Me (gets a Brutality, is excited): Oh!!! And the retaliation! Yeah! Okay, so I kind of only moderately suck as Kenshi. Note to self: get better with Kenshi. Alright, well thank y’all for watching, um, Like, share, subscribe, comment, send me happy thoughts, uh tell me I’m awesome. Alright, well thank you guys very much and I will see y’all next time on Blind Man Gaming.
And as always, if you enjoyed this post, I encourage you to check out my novel, Bla
des of Cairndale.